Anxiety, A New City and Another Lockdown

 It seemed like just yesterday that I had arrived back home again after moving out of my third year house in Bristol, but here I was again, my car Kevin packed full to the brim, going back to university once more. Only, this time, it was a new university in a brand new city. A new city about to go into local lockdown as well. This is how my moving day went. 

I slipped out of my front door in complete darkness at half five in the morning to drive the 226 mile trek down South. It was cold and dark and I was anxiously running through my list of things I absolutely could not forget in my head as I fought my way into my car, threatening to topple down the jenga pile of boxes and bags mum had stacked in the passenger seat. There were no last hugs goodbye or words of good luck, safe journey to see me off; it was just me, stealing out of my childhood home like a thief of the night who no longer belonged there anymore.

I shoved my first CD in the player, my mind on autopilot as I set off on my well travelled route, but I couldn't quite trick myself into thinking this was just another journey back to university. For starters, I didn't sing along to the songs playing me through the drive, something I always do, and I barely paid any attention to the sunrise as it crept up over the horizon as I drove down the A46. I switched to my specially purchased audio CD for my trip, hoping the voices of David Tennant, Catherine Tate and Bernard Cribbins would distract me, but all they really succeeded in doing was scare me silly with the haunted tale they told me, jump scares included. 

I reached the junction of the M5 that always signalled the final home stretch for me, and as I prepared to signal left to join the M4 heading West towards Bristol, I had to remind myself sharply that, no, that's not the way home anymore. It felt almost wrong to head right on the M4, away from the university I loved and the friends I'd made, into a new and much scarier unknown. My car was silent as I crossed the bridge into Wales, no song or audio playing me into a new place, just the ever continuing roll of tyres on tarmac and the anxious swooping feeling that accompanies leaving everything you know behind. 

Time seemed to blur past in a whirlwind of collecting keys, actually finding my building and finally getting into my room. I walked into the unfamiliar space, tired from the drive and as I stared around my new room for the next year I just thought I cannot do this. I started hauling things out of my car and into my flat, awkwardly moving around one of my new flatmate's who arrived around the same time as me, envious that she had both of her parents helping her settle in whilst mine couldn't come help me. I sat on a blue mattress in silence, surrounded by bags and boxes and suitcases thinking what the hell have I gotten myself into? I could feel the lump in my throat rising painfully and it took a long moment before I composed myself again. I abandoned unpacking my life in favour of raiding my new local Tesco, and sank into the familiar routine of meal planning and comfort food buying as I wandered around the aisles, with a new habit of reading the Welsh words that were next to the English, the pronunciations butchered and awkward on my tongue. 

I set off in my car for the last time, to drive him round to his temporary home on my mentor's street, aching and tired and suddenly feeling very overwrought and anxious. I got to have a socially distanced catch up in her garden and it was whilst I was sitting on a wall in the sunshine, that I felt like I could breathe again. I wanted to be talkative and interesting but my words tangled themselves in my mouth, leaving me anxiously scrambling for something to say. I wanted to project confidence and wellness but I think all I succeeded in doing was erect a sign over my head saying she's scared as hell right now and terrified of screwing up. But I got to stroke fluffly guinea pigs and meet stick insects and two kind people went out of their way to walk me most of the way home, probably fully aware that I felt very out of my depth. 

I made it back to my new home, unpacked some more of my life into this strange new room and heated a frozen pizza for dinner, too tired to cook. I sat at my dining table and chatted with my new flatmates, stumbling over those awkward pauses in the conversation you get with a group of people who don't know each other very well yet. I rang my mum back and suddenly all of my tiredness crashed over into a wave of homesickness, as I listened to her chatting away. I suddenly ached in a whole new way, for a tiny village and a old grey house and a black and white cat and three over active black labradors. I gambled the last time I chose a university, I told myself as I settled into a new bed with my old duvet, an odd mix of familiar and strange. I turned out the light and wondered if this time would be the gamble I made and lost. 

I've spent seven days in my new city now. And this is some of what I've discovered:

1. Do not open the blinds before you have finished getting dressed in the morning because freshers walking past your window can see you (a mistake you only make once)

2. A raincoat is a good investment when you live in Wales (I only made that mistake once too)

3. The walk from my flat to the city centre through Bute park is nothing short of beautiful.

4. Late night Maccies with flatmates tastes just as good in Cardiff as it did in Bristol

5. Every time I have left my flat, I have gone somewhere completely new and loved it

Last night I went to bed and my stomach ached from how much I had been laughing with my flatmates. We have lists pinned to our notice board proclaiming all the things we're going to do together once we're out of lockdown. We make meals together in the kitchen and haven't poisoned each other yet. The awkward silences are gone and evenings in as a flat are fun and familiar already. I'm excited to explore this new city I call home more. I want to find the best coffee shop and the little side streets and shops you only find by accident. I want to look in every single bookshop this city has and run out of room on my shelves. I'm sat in a room that looks and feels like mine now, and I'm no longer anxious about moving to Cardiff. Sure, I'm back in lockdown with people who until a week ago were strangers to me. But I already like living with them, and in this city, and now I can't wait to get out and explore it some more. As soon as it stops raining!