Good Things in a Blanket Fort

I have a giant Cadbury's dairy milk Easter egg sitting on the floor of my bedroom, in front of my washing basket, nestled in between the side of my desk and a large stack of library books. Despite the fact that my friends and family know I love Easter chocolate quite a lot more than ordinary chocolate (chocolate shaped like an egg just tastes better to me) I haven't eaten this one. In fact, it goes out of date in 21 days. And since I have lived in gym leggings (despite not going to the gym in two years) and frequently raided both my stash of biscuits as well as my emergency chocolate drawer since Lockdown started, I should have eaten this Easter egg by now.

There's a reason why I haven't eaten this Easter egg yet, why I've been putting it off for the past three weeks it's been sat in my room.

That Easter egg is the last physical present that my late grandma gave me. 

And it doesn't matter that she had died before I could travel home for her to give it me in person, it's from her, and once I've eaten it, the last physical thing she gave me will be gone. I'm slowly learning to live with the fact that she's gone, and rationally I know that not eating the Easter egg won't bring her back. In fact, it'd be a waste of good chocolate and neither she or I really want that.  

Over the next few days I will hopefully find the courage to open the Easter egg, and I will think of my grandma fondly as I enjoy it, maybe whilst reading a book or watching a film, and I will remember how much she loved me to buy me an Easter egg to get me through my last few university assignments. Because whilst I look at that Easter egg and it reminds me of my loss, it was the best gift my grandma could have given me; a reward for the hard work I had been doing for my degree. I can and will remember and treasure the good times I had with her, the same way I treasure this last gift she got me.     

Lockdown has made it difficult for me to focus on the good things. This week alone I have spent two days building a giant blanket fort in my living room, a place I can retreat to and hide when the world seems a little too terrible and there is a sharp pain in my ribs from missing so many people. And in the moments where I do not want to face the pain and terror that has enveloped the world lately, I sit in my fort with the fairy lights on, and I remember and write down all the good things I love and miss. Some of them, I will experience again when the world starts to recover. Some of them, I just want to remember because of how much I loved them at the time.   

This is what I wrote in my fort tonight:  

- Playing Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran on the long drive from Bristol to Hatton. The last song I play during my road trip, singing along to "I can't wait to go home" in the last few minutes as I drive back to my childhood home. 

- The heavenly smell of books when I walk into a bookshop and the excitement that I may find a new hidden treasure among the shelves.

- Turning up at Lauren's randomly late at night and driving her in Kevin for a late night Macdonald's in our pjs. (And going through the drive-thru so the poor employees on the graveyard shift can't see my star print pj bottoms)

- People watching from the top deck of the M1 bus as I head into Bristol City Centre.

- My children's lectures at 9am on a Friday morning when I hung on to every word and the passion and excitement I could feel in the air as my lecturer strode back and forth across the front of the room as she taught us.

-Talking with my grandma about the books I was studying at university, and listening to her recite poetry and tell stories from years gone by.  

- Walking across the fields with my dad as we walked our three black Labradors, mugs of tea in hand.

-Baking bat cookies, choc chip cookies, and a chocolate cake with my best friend at half 11 at night for our lecture the next morning. 

- Gathering on the sofas in S Block with my course-mates as we chat before we head upstairs to our lecture room. 

- Singing along to ABBA with Sam as I drive us to Asda.

- Feeling the music vibrating in my chest as I dance with my housemates at 02 Academy.

-Working Open days at university and getting to talk to people about how much I love my university and my degree.

- Watching Criminal Minds with my mum on a Monday evening, which is always our girls night when dad is out. 

- Giving cake/biscuits to people when I cannot find the words to tell them how much I appreciate them.

- Hugging people. 

One day, there will hopefully be a better world after this Pandemic. One day I will walk the streets of Bristol's vibrant center again and not have to worry about staying two metres apart from people. One day I will see my university course friends and we will have a graduation day and celebrate finishing our degrees, despite our final year not ending the way we imagined it would. One day I will hug my best friend Lauren and be able to make cake for her and my mentor to enjoy once more. 

But until that day, I will sit in my fort and focus on texts and phone calls and Facetimes to keep me connected to my loved ones. I will read good books and write and listen to songs that just speak to me when I can't find the words myself. I will focus on these good things to remind me that they happened, and that some of them will happen again. 

One day.